Why do I read Fark?

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Published on: February 28, 2007

Because I occasionally find gems like this


One time there was a goddam Yankee moved to Arkansas, and got elected to the Legislature. The first thing he done was put in a bill to make Arkansas rhyme with Kansas, just because it is spelled that way. The Arkansawyers got pretty mad, of course, so they begun to stomp and holler. There was one old man that hollered louder than anybody else, and finally the rest of ’em quietened down to hear what he had to say.”Mr Speaker, God damn your soul,” says he, “I’ve been trying to get the floor for thirty minutes, but all you do is squirm around like a dog with a flea in his ass! I’m Senator Cassius F Johnson from Johnson County, where we raise men with peckers on, and the women are glad of it. Why, gentlemen, at the tender age of sixteen them girls can throw their left tit over their right shoulder, and squirt milk up their ass-hole as the occasion demands! When I was fourteen years old my prick was big as a roasting-ear, the pride and joy of the whole goddam settlement. Gentlemen, I could piss half-way across the Ouachita!”

Everybody clapped when they heard that, but the Speaker begun to holler “Out of order! Out of order!” and pound on his desk.

“You’re goddam right it was out of order,” says Senator Johnson, “otherwise I could have pissed clear across the son-of-a-biatch! That’s the kind of folks we raise in Johnson County, gentlemen, and we ain’t never been dictated to by nobody. And now comes this pusillanimous blue-bellied Yankee who wants to change the name of Arkansas! Why Mister Speaker, he compares the great state of Arkansas to Kansas! You might as well liken the noonday sun in all its glory to the feeble glow of a lightning-bug’s ass, or the fragrance of an American Beauty rose to the foul quintessence of a Mexican burro’s fart! Can all the power of this Assembly enlarge the puny penis of a Peruvian prince to a ponderous Pagan prick, or the tiny testicles of a Turkish tyrant to the bulky bollyz of a Roman gladiator? Change the name of Arkansas? Great God Almighty damn! No, gentlemen! Hell fire, no!”

What the God damn hell is things a-coming to, anyhow? Why, gentlemen, it’s got so a man can’t take down his pants for a good country shiat without getting his ass full of birdshot. Change the name of Arkansas? Great God Almighty damn! You may piss on Jefferson’s grave, gentlemen. You may shiat down the White House steps, and use the Declaration of Independence for a corncob. You may rape the Goddess of Liberty at high noon, and wipe your tallywhacker on the Star Spangled Banner. You may do all this, gentlemen, and more. But you can’t change the name of Arkansas! Not while one patriot lives to prevent such desecration! Change the name of Arkansas? Hell fire, no!”

History don’t tell us what happened after that, but everybody knows the Yankee’s bill was killed, dead as a whore’s turd in a piss-pot. Them son-of-a-biatches up North think the whole thing was just a joke, and some of ’em claim Senator Johnson didn’t make no speech at all. But every true-blooded Arkansawyer knows that Senator Cassius M. Johnson jumped into the breech that day, to save the Bear State from treason and disgrace. We ain’t going to forget it, neither.

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